stresss

ahhhh!!! so many things to do. it's kinda overwhelming.

and realized that i still have things undone in malaysia...

argh!!
i can't find my SAM results!!! this is soooooooooooo bad!!
God, please please please help me find it.
Dad's gonna kill me otherwise.
then he'll get stress.
then he'll give up on applying for PR.
hahaha, then, i dunno...
things will get even more complicated.

ahhhhh.... this is too much. hahaha, i want to fly back to malaysia... =D

retribution

=(

hahha, now i'm waiting for you to appear but you've dissappear
so this is how it feels.. =(

i miss you a whole lot deal. ahhhhh, fly me away... =D

EMPAT bulan?

haha, happy 4th month getting together crab! (:

i'm utterly seriously gonna miss you. heeee.

study

3 more to go.

yes. please do it!! arhhhhhh!! persevere!

3 more papers.

don't think.

just concentrade on studies 1st.

God's in control, He is sovereign.

Only His opinion matters and no one else.

so why should what you say bother me?

thank you crab! (:

miss youuuuu

hahahaha, i MISS you!!!

mengeramkan.. =.="
so so soooooo tempted to go and find youuuuuu.


=(

the dream.

i know... i've gotta get used to talking to you. to sharing about how i feel.
argh! silly elizabeth.. finds it so hard just to open your big mouth..as if got gold inside..

so let me tell you what happened.

last night, my roomie suddenly popped the most random question as she was about to sleep. She asked me, "what do you like about mr.bf ?" okay.. actually it's not the most random question.. but quite random at that moment.. =p

and hmm, so we had a short girly talk.
I don't think i answered her question though......... hahahaha, it just made me thought a lot...
I guess i ended up telling her what i felt..

and the last thing i said to her before she dozed off on me?
"i think i'm a bad girlfriend......"


* * *

the dream?

short, sweet version? OR complicated, long version?

haha, okay. i'll try to be short, but it might most probably end up long... =(
I dreamt that mr. bf wanted to break up with me. But he didn't tell me directly, i found out through a friend. (In the dream), he didn't know how to tell me face-to-face, and so just dissappeared...

[ironically though, it seems more like what i would do rather than him.. =p.. running away...]

maybe what was scary, frightening, traumatizing, mentally draining, shocking, nerve-wrecking, upsetting..... etc etc. about this dream was.......... it felt very real.. at least to me...

i think i was just shock and numb in the dream.. like i think what i felt was like... why couldn't he tell me.... =(..... and maybe if i'm honest with myself, felt cheated? haha, okay, that's too strong a word.. =p

but i woke up with tears in my eyes? silly girl. argh!

anyway, i had another dream, it felt so real as well!!! eeee..
yah, dreamt that i told mr. bf about the dream...

and then woke up, realizing i was dreaming... but yet everything remained so fresh...i guess the emotions felt so real.

i hate having dreams like this... it's just draining. tiring. disturbing.

like i'd have dreams that i'm so so soooo angry at my parents that i would be shouting at them and i would wake up crying and angry!

but then i'd just turn confused, because when i thought about my parents, i wasn't angry at them at all,.... i mean.. like i couldn't understand what i felt such strong angry emotions towards them in the dream...

then i'd turn afraid and think that maybe i'm unconsciously angry at them.... and i'm just surpressing it... and scared that i might just burst out in reality at them one day.


about the mr. bf dream?

i don't know.
it's disturbing maybe because even though i always try to mentally prepare myself for the worse, telling myself i'd be alright whatever happens, maybe in reality, i won't really know how to handle it..

or maybe, it's.... being so paranoid of people suddenly doing unexpected things that unpredictability just really scares me..and i just expect the worst.

or it could be cos i'm just so confused.

argh.

my friend told me i was crazy when i told her about the dream.. and she said i shouldn't be thinking such nutty thoughts and that it just shows how much i love him. Yes, haha, i guess it definitely made me realize how much he means to me and yes, i do most definitely love him. although i know sometimes i just won't admit it because i think i'm protecting myself.
and yes, my roomie has told me that i'm being selfish by doing so.

i don't know. maybe the dream is so traumatizing, because in the dream, i thought to myself, "i should have known this would happen and should have never gotten into it the 1st place..."


so maybe i'm scared, because sometimes the outcomes in dreams come out teribly. bad. and more often that not, you can't control what you say, do... or what happens. just like me being angry and shouting at my parents.


but in reality, we have free-will? and we have a conscious choice for every actions we make and the ability to control our emotions to a certain extent.

hmmm. maybe blogging this out actually made me realize why the dream was so bad i nearly went insane. hahaha, i think i was close to just going crazy. laughing and crying at lecture until people around were looking.. so embarassing.. haha, but i think at that time i didn't care...
just felt.. overwhelmed thinking about it.

yes, and that's why i need God. because i'm a totally messed-up person.
imperfect in every possible way, with flaws written all over.
and maybe it will always amaze me that God still loves us, and that He will send His son to die so that we can be justified.

and maybe that's the beauty to Christianity to me,
because i know i will always fail,
i know i will always dissappoint myself and others and God, even though i can try the best as i can,
i know i don't always have the right answer and do not always know what i'm doing,
the beauty is that it's not about me.... but it's about Jesus.
and He is indeed perfect in every possible way.


and that's probably what keeps me sane despite all the weird, confusing, complicated things that happen in my life, be it in reality or in dreams...

He's my rock, my fortress, my stronghold, my salvation, my hope.
ya, that even if i go insane, even if i go blind, even if everyone hates me for whatever reason, even if everyone i love leaves me,
I know He won't.
I know He will still be there standing with arms open wide.

because?
because even though i rejected him, denied him, throwed stones at him, spat at his face, ... he still lovingly died on the cross on my behalf..

what more could i ever ask for?
and ya, the will of God will not lead you where the grace of God will not keep you. (:

yes, i should stop thinking about the dream.
maybe i utterly HATE thinking about it becoming real.. but yes, EVEN IF, it happens,
I know God will be there. (:

Emo nemo.

heee.

yes, he's more than i ever dreamt of. yet makes me think too much.
so many things going on.
i feel so inadequate.
i hate being a dissapointment.
i hate letting you down.

anyway.. i LOVE my roomie! haha. =D
and being in a relationship is so much more complicated than i imagined.. or maybe it's just me.
haha, think too much.

STOP THINKING!!!

anyway.. i have a tute soon... with a quiz.. which i have no idea how to do..

and lately, i've been waken up at weird hours in the wee morning!! hahahhahaa.
i miss my sleep!!! =p

okay, as you can probably see, i lack sleep and thus can't really think properly, which explains for all this babbling.

haha, i reckon i should update my blog more often!
too much has been happening! haha.
bible study tonight on Daniel! (: